wild pacman
I Want to stop crying….I’m a hot mess!
So a little less then a month ago I was dumped by my girlfriend. It was very odd because things were going great, we didn’t fight, she had just taken me on a surprise trip, and in my world she seemed to like me more than anyone else I had been in a relationship with. It seemed as if she couldn’t get enough of me and then BAM!…..she broke up with me. I was really caught off guard and wouldn’t have guessed this was going to happen so suddenly. I know lately she was stressed because her sister moved in with her in her one bedroom apartment which made her privacy almost impossible. Plus her sister doesn’t have a job, is very anti-social, so she is always there. But it was like one day she woke up and decided she didn’t want me around anymore. She told me (when she was breaking up with me) that I was a great person and we really have a good time together but I deserve someone better. Well WTF then…..and by the way a wanted to be with her not someone else or I would have left if I thought I “deserved someone better!” She continued by saying that I came into her life at a very difficult time. Just so you know, she found me and asked me out. Then added that she just got out of a long serious relationship and was not ready for another serious relationship. Once again WTF! Don’t you normally date people to get into a relationship? We were past the dating point and in a relationship. I tried to talk about things with her that night to try to change her mind but she wouldn’t communicate with me that well. Because I was taken by surprise, all I could do was say that it sucked and I really had a good time with her. She agreed and said that she would like to stay friends. I said ok but I don’t want to be just a friend. I tried to be calm and not cry because she was so calm about it. Then I was wondering if she even cared or was I just seeing things way different than she did. I was crushed but tried not to show it. All of this went down in her car….I guess it was easier then going into my house and talking about it. I got out of the car and she got out because she wanted to give me a hug. At the time I was thinking WTF get off of me but I was trying to keep myself together so she didn’t know that I cared since she didn’t seem like she cared. As soon as I got in the house I cried and went to bed. I was in my room upset and she text me that she got home ok and wanted to know if my feelings were hurt and that she was sorry. As if I was going to tell her yes and oh by the way I’m crying. She text me again later to see if I was still up and I was so I told her I had a lot on my mind and I couldn’t sleep. I asked her what was the turning point that made her come to this decision? What changed? She said she didn’t know, she had to think about it.
The next day she text me to call her later when I was leaving my sisters house so we could talk. I called and she didn’t really have any answers for me but wanted us to be friends. So that was on sunday and then monday and through out the week she text me in the morning to have a good day at work and in the evening to have a good night. WTF! Last time I checked I don’t tell all my friends that every morning and night. I tried not to respond but by thursday I did and it opened up the door for more texting. Friday she asked me if I was doing anything over the weekend and I said I was going out of town. She asked when I would be back and I said sunday. She informed me that she worked sunday but wanted to know if I wanted to go hang out on monday. I told her I would let her know, I had to think about it. I went to the conference and she text me a couple times every day. I guess I got my hopes up that she had somehow snapped out of it. Sunday I told her I would go monday and then I didn’t get a response back. She works night shift at Children’s Hospital and has to clock in at 7 so around 6:50 I finally get a text that she wasn’t going to go and that I needed to make different plans. I was pissed off! So I called her and she tried to avoid my questions and then told me she didn’t want me to think she was leading me on. I told her I didn’t want to be friends with her and then she had to go into work. She text me many times to “please be friends with her” and “hopefully you’ll talk to me again.” So I was stupid and felt bad for her (I know that is ridiculous but I did) and said I would be friends. I still hear from her regularly but a week after all that went down, she post pics of facebook of her and her ex at hocking hills. I was pissed but in a way I felt as if weight was lifted off my shoulders because I feel like I know it wasn’t anything I did. I could stop beating myself up about it. I still hear from her and I do have weak moments and text her if I have not heard from her in a couple day or sometimes I have emotional breakdowns and I’ll text her. I know I need to stop talking to her but part of me thinks I don’t want to give up that easy. It’s a new feeling for me but part of me really dislikes her but as much as I’m mad at her, I miss her just that much. It’s stupid…I know!
So this is where I’m at. I keep having emotional breakdowns and crying. For about a week my goal was to make it through a day without crying and it didn’t happen. I’m a hot mess! People are telling me to get over it already but that is easier said than done. I wish I could. I’m currently having trouble sleeping, eating (I’ve lost about ten pounds), focusing, and controlling my emotions. I can be super angry, sad, or whatever in a matter of a second, for the dumbest reason. I feel out of control because I’m having such a hard time controlling my emotions. All of this over one person!? I think I trusted her too much and jumped in feet first, letting my guard down and now I’m hurt. I hate that I’m like this and she isn’t. I’ve tried to meet new people and I’m half-hearted when I do. I feel like I’m stuck in the mud for now. I know it will pass but fucking pass already! Sorry this is so long but I needed to get things off my chest and writing all this on fb seemed like a bad idea.
